Lovin'-Doggie Style

So, you think you wanna have a relationship?

Funny you should mention this...

I am an expert in the field of canine relationships and it would be a cold day in Havana before I would let this opportunity to pontificate on the finer points of love slip through my fingers. That would be like ignoring a big old steak that "accidentally" plopped offa the gas grill when nobody was lookin'. Not that I had anything to do with the steak in the grass incident. That was just a metaphor. Or a simile or onomatopoeia. Or something grammatic.

(love guru)

I have one small limitation in this enterprise: I am a boy poodle (the opinion of the doubting Rottie on third street notwithstanding) so I can only really advize you guyz, and lucky for you I felt the whim to offer a few words of wisdom on the subject that you could put to good use or file it away for next valentine's day.

Now, ladies, you follow along, too. You may get some insight into why you only date dogs.

So, if you're going to have a relationship your number one priority is chosing the perfect mate. Well, no. You're number one priority is finding the ideal place to have that first poop in the morning but the mate part is right behind that in importance.

How are you gonna find the perfect bitch? (besides my momma on a PMS day?) Well, that's what I'm trying to tell you. Stop asking questions and listen up.

First of all, look for an odor, um, I mean a FRAGRANCE that you like above all others. Personally, the aroma of three day old dead squirrel wafting from a lady poodle's pores is my very fav. But you may like other scents. You may be wondering how you're going to find a scent you really like. With your nose, Einstien! Whaddaya think? You gotta use your nose. And you gotta put it where the sun don't shine, if you get my drift. Ok, not all the way up but real close and take a big whiff. Sometimes you gotta sniff a lot of assholes to find Miss Right. And usually her name isn't Miss Right. That would be too easy. Her name will be something like Momo, Chai, The Princess of Stockvania, Lassie. Whatever.

If helps if you know what you want in a bitch. Does she need a Pedigree, does she eat wheat gluten, is she a fence runner, does she smoke? This last could be problematic because smoking isn't something a dog can pull off with grace. It's real tricky and it usually results in burnt whiskers. These are the things you can determine by sniffing around.
After you find that perfect scent, follow it. Follow it to the ends of the earth. Or to the house where your love interest lives. My suggestion is that you don't just go barging in like a bull in a china closet. After that last broom incident I gleaned that humans are really fussy about who's sniffing around their bitches. But if you're real lucky and you've got papers that you haven't peed on to the point where nothing is legible, you may be invited all the way into the house.

Then what?

Look around and see if you can find me some snausages.

Oh, wait. This is about romance, not my tummy. Ok, then. Once you get into the house immediately check for signs of pups. You do NOT want to get stuck with a litter of brats that aren't yours. You'll be out all day workin' like a dog for kibble to feed a batch of bastards you didn't even have the pleasure of procreating. I'm not sure what that means but I'd rather have the kibble for myself.

If you do find pups, unless you can get good homes for them all within a few days, stay on the other side of the fence and howl until the nest is empty.

There is one warning you need to hear. You may be all about the chase, the capture and the victory but some people want you to really stick it to them. I mean- STICK. IT. IN. This is not done for leisure. This is to make puppies when all you're looking for is better living through chemistry. Do not do this with a bitch who wants to be a mother before you have "the talk". The "talk" usually goes something like this: "YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT?" Because, face it guys, we may put our noses where they don't belong, but we don't really know what we may be getting into.

Apparently, we are looking for love in all the wrong places.

And by "wrong places" I mean anyplace where we are expected to produce. To date, I have only "produced" with my stuffed toys and the limbs of family and friends. None of them have ever given me grief because I didn't make some sappy phone calls or send flowers the next day or pay child support. This is not what romance is about. I think David Bowie, a diamond among dogs, spoke for us all when he said "Wham, Bam, thank you ma'am". That's what it's all about.

It's just a quick hump and an hasta la vista, baby!

Chicks have long suspected what we've always know was true:

All dogs are men!!!

My, Your Breath is Delightful!

I love my dog. In fact, I'm such a dog fanatic not only do I let my own dog give me a kiss whenever it's offered, I allow strange dogs to cover my face with love as well. Sometimes, those kisses are not as fragrant as they could be.



Does your little pal have breath that could knock a buzzard off of a dung heap? Well, if so that could be a sign of dental disease and should be dealt with at the vet as soon as possible.



Normally, all dogs have an odor to their breath. It will be affected by the food they eat or the toys they chew, especially if you give them rawhide or pigs ears to name a couple. But their breath shouldn't be offensive.



If you want your fuzzy friend to have fresh breath for those canine kisses, I have found a product that will do just that.



The product is a dental treat called Bright Bites.


These are star shaped little goodies your dog will appreciate without knowing how much good it does his mouth, his teeth and his relationship with you. They come in small, medium and large sizes and in three flavors as well: peppermint, cinnamon and spearmint. My little guy is partial to spearmint (he's also partial to dead birds so I won't make a recommendation on the flavor based on it's appeal to him).



Bright Bites were developed by veterinarians to help promote good oral hygiene and prevent gum disease. Gluten free and 100% soluable, I trust this product more than any other I've seen on the market. I found these little treasures in my favorite doggie boutique, The Animal House in my home town but you can look them up at http://www.brightbites.com/.


They have a texture that is smooth but not easily devoured. The star shape can get into the crevices of the teeth and scrape away food particles before they become plaque. As an added bonus, your dog will have whiter, prettier teeth. This may not mean much to you but you want your little friend to be smiling in social situations, don't you? Ok,maybe you never thought about it before, but I am a new convert to star shaped Bright Bites, my dog thinks he's getting a tasty new treat and my vet will hopefully have less dental work to perform as my young adonis gets older.


This product is not recommended for puppies under the age of six months and I always consult my vet before trying a new product just to reassure myself.


The price is definitely a perk as I only paid $.50 each for my selection of small size stars. The medium size were $.79 each and for large you'll pay around $1.29

Good dental hygiene is a gift you can give your dog, and fresh breath is a gift your dog can give to you with Bright Bites.

The Perfect Drink of Water

I took my dog to puppy training class but I went unprepared. Everybody had their own personal drinking bottle for their puppy. Not me. I thought there would be water available in a bowl and all the dogs could drink from it. Silly me.

So the next week I went prepared with a semi-expensive small plastic bottle wrapped in red leather with a cute silver poodle-head charm hanging off the neck. When everyone whipped out their water bottles, so did I. Big mistake. My dog acted like I was trying to set his face on fire. I didn't know that dogs have to be trained to drink water out of a bottle. This is getting more and more complicated.

Last weekend, I was shopping in my favorite doggie boutique and I found the perfect solution.
It's a water bottle made just for dogs that has it's own "bowl" attached. The "bowl" snaps down, the bottle is turned upside down and the tip is locked into a special socket. You then only have to squeeze as much or as little water as you like into the bowl part and hold it for your dog to take a drink. The flow valve will open and close automatically to control the quantity of water and prevent spillage.

When your pup is done drinking, the bowl snaps back into place so you can hook the bottle onto your belt and go on your merry way. I paid $8.99 for the bottle in the store. It's $9.99 on the from Amazon.com. It's a dollar difference but it's priceless if you can't find one in your area.
It comes with a belt clip and a carrying strap so you can choose whether to clip it to your belt or carry it around your neck.

This is the best doggie travel item I have in my collection to date and it was a very timely find. Oh, and my dog is happy that he doesn't have to be wary of flaming whiskers.